"Coming Out Day -
A Personal Testimonial"
© by Dorian Beth Wenzel
October 11, 2003
I can remember back twenty-five years ago, when as a junior in high school, I was so afraid of my awakening awareness that I was sexually different from my fellow peers, not being the same boy-crazy female like the other girls. And I remember the incredible statement I made only two years later by wearing a single earring in my right earlobe, the gay side as it was known back in the eighties, and how it took all the courage I could muster from within to do so.
I had started to take a stand as an individual, as the person I believed I was, and against a society that told me I was wrong to do so, wrong to be me, wrong to go against their definition of what was considered "normal." I took a lot of hell for that personal stand, but haven't regretted a single moment for doing so.
We can never be free if we are not free within ourselves.
I learned that lesson big time over the following ten years when I served as a Christian lay-minister. I also learned about the freedom that I denied myself when I succumbed to the church's anti-gay dogma. I had been telling myself lies to mask my pain, and allowed their homophobia to become a part of my thinking. I told myself that I was good enough because I was celibate and not sexually involved with anyone of the same sex. I told myself that I was good enough because I had dedicated myself to the Lord and to do His work. I told myself that I was good enough as long as I played by their rules, till the day came when I found out just the opposite- that I was an abomination!
I can tell you my eyes opened wide that day when I found out just how the others in my ministry felt about me because I was gay. They will tell you that it's the sin and not the sinner that they hate, but that is just bigoted untruth. My fellow Christian peers had rejected me after ten years of service when I revealed my past to them. I was judged by my past, and not my current actions or lifestyle.
It was the day I started to question my life of service in a ministry that couldn't accept me as a human being with needs, and desires, and dreams.
So I started to search for my own truth, and how I fit into this world. I left the church that I had given my heart and soul to, to live the devastating gay lifestyle that they had warned me against. In 1993, I moved to Colorado Springs from progressive Upstate New York, in the year after the passing of that anti-gay Amendment 2 in our State legislature. My friends couldn't believe that my girlfriend at the time and myself would move to such an intolerant and bigoted place. I told them I was moving here because they needed more visible queer folk in this State, to shake them up and wake them up from their Ozzy & Hariette image of reality.
I remember the hateful looks we got as we walked downtown, hand in hand with my lover. I remember the hateful slurs shouted at me because of the bumper stickers on my beat-up Toyota. And today, I can only laugh at their ignorance.
I can laugh because of the freedom within myself, and the courage to stand despite the intolerance and bigotry. I can laugh because I no longer have to be good enough, but because I just am. I will never be afraid to be me again.